Hanging Ten On Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang has another fun day at the beach.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to the beach. Just more fun and madness from my tiny little mind. **

**Hanging Ten On Krieger's Korner **

"Aloha!" Krieger waved. He was wearing a lab coat and an orange speedo with sunglasses sitting on a beach chair. "Surf's up dudes and dudettes! Or however else you self-identify."

"Today on Krieger's Korner," Ray spoke up. He was wearing blue swimming trunks and his usual glove. "We've decided to go to the beach. Mostly because we could. See Lana's out with her kid all day for some reason. Archer is still in the coma. And Ms. Archer is still out of her damn mind."

"So, we all decided to take the day off," Cheryl grinned. She was wearing a green bikini and a green floppy hat.

"And what better place to do a podcast than the beautiful beach?" Krieger indicated the scenery around him.

"Cyril is going to freak if he ever sees this," Cheryl giggled.

"Who the hell cares what that little asshole does?" Pam grumbled. She was wearing an orange two piece bathing suit and drinking a beer.

"Pam honey don't let it get to you," Ray told her.

"We had a little incident at work," Krieger explained. "Cyril who let's be honest…is not exactly Archer's biggest fan for so many reasons…Made a few comments."

"And my fist made an indentation into his fat face," Pam grumbled as she took another sip.

"That's when we decided to hit the beach," Ray explained.

"Before I hit Cyril again," Pam added.

"Pam's still a little upset," Krieger remarked.

"Archer's **still** in the God damn coma!" Pam snapped. "Of course I'm upset."

"Tell me about it," Cheryl said. "He's just dragging this out…"

"Cyril made this comment about Archer possibly dying from the coma with this smile on his face," Ray explained. "Which even I found horribly gauche."

"I just hope Cyril dies horribly," Pam grumbled.

"Ehh," Both Ray and Krieger agreed.

"Well if anyone is going to die besides Archer," Cheryl remarked. "It would probably be Ray."

"Why **me?**" Ray shouted.

"It's nothing personal," Cheryl said. "It's just the guy that does your voice is leaving the show. Whether it ends on its tenth season or not. And he's also the guy that's writing the whole damn thing. So, if the show does go on and that guy leaves…Well…Unless they get another actor to voice you. Which let's be honest happens all the time. So, hope for that."

"WHAT?" Ray shouted.

"What? It's not the worst thing in the world if they just get another actor to play you!" Cheryl said. "I'm sure they can find somebody who sounds almost **exactly** like you do now. Whiny, southern and high pitched. How hard could it be to find someone who sounds like **that?**"

"Can you find your God damn **brain cell** and tell me what the hell are you talking about?" Ray shouted.

"Oh right," Cheryl realized. "You're not self-aware of the fourth dimensional wall. Never mind what I said. You're more likely to die of some kind of cyborg thing. Or run over by a bus."

Ray looked at the others. "Does anyone know what she's talking about?"

"I don't think even Cheryl knows what she's talking about," Pam admitted.

"I bet the actor who does Krieger's voice could give it a shot," Cheryl thought. "I mean they already based Ray's face on him. It's not that much of a stretch. Actors have done two characters before. Of course, they might have to give the guy some helium before he does Ray's part. That way he can get in the right vocal range…"

"Cheryl…" Krieger looked at her. "I've been meaning to talk to you. I think it's time to talk to your doctor and ask him to change your medication."

"I'm not taking any medication," Cheryl remarked.

"**That's **the change I'm referring to," Krieger said.

"Let's change the subject," Ray said. "Let's do our Fun Facts segment. And since we're near the ocean…"

"You're right!" Krieger beamed. "It's time for Ocean Themed Fun Facts!"

"Fun Facts!" Cheryl called out. "Ocean theme!"

"Here's one…" Pam began. "The original meaning of the name Pacific Ocean was 'Peaceful Sea'. Which was blown all to hell by the time World War II arrived."

"The Pacific Ocean not only has the largest number of islands," Cheryl spoke up. "It's surrounded by a large group of active volcanoes called the Ring of Fire!"

"Trust you to know **that one**," Ray quipped.

"The Pacific Ocean is the world's largest and the deepest ocean," Krieger added. "Which covers 30 percent of the world."

"Just enough for Pam to swim in," Cheryl quipped.

"You really going to body shame **me,** Fire Crotch?" Pam threatened. "I already took one meat head out today! You want to be **next **on my hit list?"

"Eeee!" Cheryl giggled with glee.

"That only **encourages** her Pam…" Ray sighed. "**This** is how you do it. Cheryl you watch your mouth or else I'll make Cyril give you a lecture on stamps!"

"I'll be good," Cheryl gulped.

"Wow," Pam blinked. "Now I really hope you **don't die!"**

"Why do people always **say that** to me?" Ray groaned.

"Did you know that 94 percent of life forms on this planet are aquatic?" Krieger asked. "And there are thousands of species in the ocean we haven't even discovered yet!"

Pam added. "Some of which humans probably wiped out before we even discovered them!"

"Over 60 percent of caught and consumed fish come from the Pacific Ocean," Ray said.

"But less than zero percent end up in my fridge," Cheryl said.

"Well fish is a brain food," Ray sighed. "So…"

"A mouthful of water from the ocean contains billions of bacteria and viruses," Krieger said cheerfully.

"Especially if you live near a nuclear plant," Pam quipped. "Or a sewer system."

"Remind me to keep my mouth closed next time I go in the ocean," Ray groaned.

"You're still going **in** the ocean?" Cheryl was stunned.

"Half the oxygen we breathe is produced by seaweed and phytoplankton from the ocean," Krieger grinned.

"You're saying we really should be **nice **to the ocean?" Cheryl asked. "And not dump toxic waste and garbage in it?"

"That would be a good thing, yes," Ray said dryly.

"That means…" Cheryl blinked. "That if we put too much trash and shit in the ocean…The ocean will get sick and the plants die…Then **we die?"**

"Exactly!" Pam said. She pointed at Cheryl. "**She** gets it people! Why can't **you?**"

Cheryl was stunned. "I think I need to have a talk with some of my managers at my companies. Especially the one that trash removal one that just dumps garbage into the ocean."

"Wait, _what?"_ Pam did a double take.

"Shock," Ray said in a deadpanned voice.

"Here's another shock…" A familiar voice was heard. "What are **you** doing here?"

"Lana!" Ray and Pam said at the same time.

"Hey…" Lana was in the shot wearing a blue cover up and sunglasses. She was carrying AJ who was wearing a cute pink bathing suit and sunglasses with a little pink hat. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We could ask you the same question," Pam said. "Which means we **are** asking you the same question."

"AJ had the day off from school," Lana said. "I decided to take her to the beach. You guys?"

"Cyril was being a pill," Pam said. "So, I knocked him out and we went to the beach."

"Do I want to know what he said?" Lana groaned.

"Depends if you feel like kicking his ass," Pam said. "Put your beach stuff down and pull up a beach chair. We have an extra one."

"Thanks," Lana sighed as she put AJ and her stuff down. She grabbed the chair and sat next to the group. "AJ don't wander from Mommy…What are you guys doing with that camera?"

"We're making another episode for my podcast," Krieger said. "We decided to sex it up and do a beach theme!"

"Still doing that huh?" Lana asked.

"Oh yeah," Ray said. "I know. I can't believe it either."

"AJ why don't you make a nice little sandcastle?" Lana suggested as she pulled out a pail and a small shovel.

"She gets to do everything fun!" Cheryl pouted.

"Well then **you** make a sandcastle," Ray groaned.

"Okay!" Cheryl grinned as she took some stuff out of a large beach bag behind her.

"Cyril being a jerk or not…" Lana sighed. "I feel bad that we're leaving him behind."

"I don't," Krieger said.

"I only feel bad that I didn't punch him harder," Pam said.

"Do I really want to know?" Lana looked at Ray.

"I'll tell you later," Ray said.

"I still feel bad slacking off like this," Lana sighed. "I feel like I'm the worst parent taking my daughter to the beach instead of working."

"Honey this isn't even the worst thing we've done this **week**," Ray snickered.

"Technically you're spending quality time with your kid," Pam said. "That's nowhere near all the bad sh—uh, stuff we've done."

"We've all done some shall we say…" Krieger paused. "Highly questionable things."

"Krieger you don't have to tell us some of the things you've done," Lana groaned. "We've all seen your experiments."

"Okay I'll tell one," Cheryl said. "I used to set fires in wastebaskets at the office."

"Another shock," Ray said in a deadpanned voice.

"We know Fire Starter," Pam said. "We've seen you do that."

"Yeah but not the ones I did at **other people's** offices," Cheryl pointed out.

"Wait, what?" Pam did a double take.

"Nothing," Cheryl said as she took some shovels and moved out of the shot. AJ followed her.

"She better not try and bury AJ in the sand," Lana grumbled as she watched AJ. "Again…"

"She'll be fine," Ray waved. "And AJ buried her last time, remember?"

"Only because Cheryl was asleep," Lana said.

"She wasn't asleep," Pam said. "She was passed out from eating too many groovy bears and vodka."

"Which you and Krieger gave her," Lana said.

"It was a nice day wasn't it?" Pam asked.

"That's true," Lana sighed. "And truth be told I did help AJ so…Technically that counts as a bad thing."

"That's nothing," Pam waved. "I've been living at Cheryl's place rent free since we got to California."

"That's not so bad," Lana said.

"Yeah well it is when you consider the **other thing**," Pam coughed. "Remember Archer's little habit of getting extra cash when we were back in New York? Living at the Tunt House."

"He used to steal artwork right from the walls and sell them at a pawnbroker," Lana said. "No…"

"How do you think I got this new bathing suit?" Pam pointed. "True it was on sale…"

"How much are we talking about?" Ray asked.

"Just enough for her to not notice," Pam waved.

"That doesn't say much," Krieger said. "Cheryl has more stuff in more places than Egyptian pharaohs."

"Remember the time Ray pretended to be that reincarnated Amazon priestess?" Pam snickered. "And we scammed Cheryl out of a ton of cash. Fun night."

"Hey I once pretended to be a flight attendant," Ray said. "To not only get a free flight, but to get out of a country to avoid being deported. And paying a hotel bill."

"How did that work out?" Pam asked.

"Pretty well actually," Ray said. "I was on this airline called Jackpot Airlines. You know they don't even check to see if you are a flight attendant. All you have to do is show up in a uniform and know where all the exits on the plane are."

"What about the other flight attendants?" Krieger asked.

"At Jackpot it's more of a shock if any flight attendants **show up**," Ray said. "And the pilots show up sober. Anyway, that's how I ended up staying with this cute flight attendant in Tokyo for six and a half wonderful weeks. Those were some of the best weeks of my life."

"Really?" Lana asked.

"Oh, Japan made a huge impression on my life," Ray said. "You should go there. Anyway, it didn't last long."

"The trip or the guy?" Pam asked.

"Both," Ray said. "Fortunately, I managed to pull the same scam again and made my way to Greece. That was another fun trip."

"Was this during those two years you said you were homeless?" Pam asked.

"Technically I wasn't home-less, homeless," Ray pointed out. "I just didn't have a permanent home. But yeah."

"How many trips did you make pretending to be a flight attendant?" Krieger asked.

"Nine," Ray admitted. "I went to Japan, Greece, France, Montreal…That was a fun weekend, back to Japan and Greece…Rome, London…Back to Montreal and well…I was planning on going to Vegas before…Well…"

"You got caught?" Lana asked.

"No," Ray shook his head. "The airline went bankrupt."

"You're kidding?" Lana was stunned.

"Mid-layovers," Ray said. "I ended up stranded in the Worcester Airport in Massachusetts. Fortunately, I was able to hitch a ride with some really cute ski instructors. The next thing I knew, I was working at this ski resort in Maine with them. But it didn't last long. I was only there two weeks before the firing."

"What did you get fired for?" Pam asked.

"I didn't," Ray said. "I'm sorry. I misspoke. The **ski resort** caught on fire. Faulty wiring with the generator."

"Oh," Krieger nodded. "That's always a bitch."

"Speaking of which, I caught my bitch of an ex-boyfriend in the hot tub with his old ex-boyfriend!" Ray grumbled. "And in retaliation I slept with another ski instructor who turned out to not only be dating one of the other male ski instructors but was married to a woman. Needless to say, the group fell apart after that weekend."

"What did you do?" Pam asked.

"The only thing I could do," Ray shrugged. "I stole my ex-boyfriend's truck and went to New York City. When I got there, I sold it for three hundred and fifty dollars and never looked back."

"Is that when you decided to join us?" Pam asked. "At Mallory Archer's Good Time Spy Agency Jamboree?"

"No," Ray shook his head. "Not right away. I had a few more…minor misadventures before that. But it was my first step on the long road to Hell."

"Our point is," Pam said. "You shouldn't feel guilty about spending time with AJ."

"There's a lot of other things you should feel guilty about," Krieger added. "But not that."

Ray added. "You've already spent more time with AJ than Ms. Archer did during Archer's entire childhood. And she's only three now!"

"She spent more time with **me **than she did with Archer," Krieger admitted. "And I was like a teenager when she kidnapped me."

"Mommy!" AJ was heard. "Sandcastle!"

"Yes, AJ I see the…" Lana did a double take. "Holy…"

"Whoa!" Pam gasped.

"Oh, I gotta get a shot of this!" Krieger realized.

He grabbed the camera and turned it around. Revealing AJ and Cheryl sitting next to their two respective sandcastles. While AJ's was typical of a three-year-old, simply some shapes of what came out of the bucket, Cheryl's was much more complex.

It was about four feet tall with decorated towers, turrets, a moat and with intricate designs and shells all over it. "Ha! Ha!" Cheryl crowed. "I **win!** I made a better sandcastle than the baby! HA HA!"

"Cheryl how the hell did you do that so fast?" Ray gasped.

"Countless summers competing at Tunt family beach gatherings," Cheryl said. "Whoever made the best castle in the fastest time got out of going to church. You should have seen the one I made to get out of going to Easter services. That was crazy!"

"I'm guessing you always won," Ray blinked.

"Not as much as you'd think," Cheryl admitted. "Say what you will about Cecil, but he can throw down a pretty mean sandcastle when he wants to."

"Pretty…" AJ said.

"_Mine's better than __**yours!**__"_ Cheryl sang at AJ. She got up and did a little dance. _"Mine's better than yours! Mine's better than yours! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" _

The camera turned back to the others. "Say Pam…" Lana paused. "Does Cheryl have any **other things** we can sell?"

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "She's got a whole basement full of crap I don't even think she knows about."

"We'll talk later," Ray said. "I want in."

"Me too," Krieger admitted as he got in front of the camera.

"Hey! Watch me!" Cheryl called out. "I'm dancing over here!"

"We're watching," Lana said, clearly not because AJ had toddled over to her. "Do you want some juice AJ?"

Loud screams were suddenly heard. "I want to know what's all the commotion about?" Ray blinked.

"I see people running and screaming," Lana said. "Why would they…Oh no!"

"Krieger tell me you didn't bring that damn radioactive pig with you?" Ray groaned.

"I didn't bring Piggly!" Krieger snapped.

"That pig is such a bad influence on you…" Pam remarked.

"And that's her talking!" Ray pointed to Pam.

"I didn't bring Piggly!" Krieger snapped. "Don't you think you would have **seen him** in the van if I had?"

"Then how do you explain **that?**" Pam pointed to something behind the camera.

"Oh my…" Krieger's jaw dropped. He got the camera and focused on Piggly riding a surfboard in all his glowing glory on the waves.

"He's hanging ten!" Cheryl cheered off camera.

"Pigs don't have toes," Ray said off camera. "So technically he's hanging four…"

"Their hooves are cloven," Pam pointed out off camera. "That makes it hanging eight."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS!" The camera swung back to Lana. "It's a radioactive pig surfing! Which Krieger brought!"

"No, I did not!" Krieger protested. "He must have come on his own."

"How the hell does a pig get to the beach on his own?" Lana snapped.

"I **don't know!"** Krieger shouted.

"He uses a Pork-Chopper!" Cheryl shouted as she stuck her head in the shot. "Get it?"

"I wish you would get it someday," Lana grumbled.

"The screams aren't coming from people in the ocean," Ray realized. "They're coming from over there!"

The camera then focused on the chaos the other way. A certain metal bear was dancing along whipping around a bikini top over his head.

"Oh," Krieger remarked as he turned the camera back on the gang. "Teddly must have driven him."

"Where did a **pig** get a _**surfboard**_?" Pam blinked.

"How did a pig learn to **surf?**" Ray asked.

"I've heard of pigs **flying…**" Lana remarked. "But not surfing."

"There's another reason I am keeping my mouth closed when I go into the ocean," Ray groaned.

"Man, that bear is going to town on that bikini top," Pam looked over. "And now here come the lifeguards."

"This should be good," Cheryl snickered. "Taking on the Teddynator."

"AAAAAAA!" A man's scream was heard.

"Oh, looks like Ratly is here too," Krieger said.

"That's the rat with the top hat, right?" Cheryl asked. "The one that just jumped on that lifeguard's leg."

"Okay! Time to go!" Lana said. "AJ! We're going home!"

"So are the rest of us," Pam said as they started picking up their belongings. "Before anyone thinks we're with them!"

"But how are they going to get back?" Krieger asked.

"They got here on their own," Ray snapped. "They can **get back** on their own!"

"You really think so?" Pam asked.

"Ehhh," Ray shrugged. "Part of me is hoping they don't."

"Part of me is hoping I find a new career," Lana groaned as she gathered AJ and her things.

"Okay so that's all for now at Krieger's Korner," Krieger looked into the camera. "Saying, surf's up dudes!"

"Good Krieger…" Ray said sarcastically. "Make sure we have video evidence to give to the authorities! Then they'll know who to sue!"

"We're gonna have another dumb meeting about this," Pam groaned. "I just know it!"

"I really need to get a new career," Lana groaned.


End file.
